My colleague Jenn Mahony recently posed a great question in a LinkedIn group I belong to: How do you stay in relationships when you differ?
It’s easy to connect with people who see the world the way we do. But what about the people we don’t align with—whether at work, in friendships, or even within our own families? Differences in values, perspectives, or communication styles can create tension, and staying in those relationships can feel exhausting.
My gut response was: accept people for who they are, even when they differ. But as the conversation unfolded, I realized it’s not that simple. A few people pointed out the need to do this while also maintaining our own dignity. Others mentioned the importance of not abandoning our own values, interests, or safety.
So, how do we stay in relationships that challenge us? Here are a few things I’ve learned as an ombuds (and a 52-year-old human):
- Curiosity goes a long way. It’s easy to get stuck thinking, How could they believe that?! Instead, try shifting to What experiences led them here? That small change in mindset can soften defensiveness and open up real conversations.
- Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. You can respect someone’s perspective without endorsing it. Sometimes, just acknowledging their reality—without trying to fix or debate it—is enough to maintain a connection.
- Your dignity matters too. Being open to differences doesn’t mean ignoring your own boundaries, needs, or well-being. If a relationship regularly leaves you feeling depleted or disrespected, it’s okay to rethink how much energy you invest.
- Not every battle needs to be fought. Before diving into an argument, ask yourself: Do I need to challenge this, or can I let it go? Some differences are worth engaging with; others just aren’t.
- Know when to step back. Some relationships stretch us in good ways, while others wear us down. If a connection consistently undermines your peace, it’s okay to adjust the relationship—or even walk away.
At the end of the day, staying in relationships when you differ isn’t about avoiding conflict or pretending differences don’t exist. It’s about figuring out when to lean in, when to let go, and how to stay true to yourself in the process.
How do you navigate relationships where differences feel hard to bridge?
By: Elizabeth Hill, Associate Director, University of Colorado Boulder Ombuds Office and Co-editor of Ombuzz