Conquering Conflict: Lessons from a Postpartum Hike

Spring is here and with it comes renewed thoughts of my favorite trail to hike each year: Herman’s Gulch. And this year is a bit different from others because I am recently postpartum. Being pregnant last year and having a baby early this year, right now I am not in any kind of shape to conquer the elevation gain or the distance of this hike. I guess that means I need to ‘practice’ and build up to it… but that sounds boring and I just don’t have the motivation. 

Then I listened to the “Rethinking” podcast with Adam Grant when he interviews Robin Arzon, head instructor at Peloton and endurance athlete. They happened to be talking about motivation. Robin said, “Success is tedious a lot of times. We just don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about the tedium. If it’s just like, “Ugh, today is another day. Gotta put in the miles.” Like, yeah, and? And?… And go girl, like, nobody promised you that this was gonna be cute.” It was a great reminder that the accomplishment, the success, comes only after many small efforts. 

I guess this means it’s time to lace up my hiking boots, load up an infant in a carrier, and hit some smaller trails to rebuild muscle and stamina. They won’t be as exciting as completing Herman’s Gulch, but without them, I may not make it to its alpine lake.

It is the same with conflict or uncomfortable situations. They can be tedious, annoying, and even boring sometimes. You might think: 

• “This again? Seriously?”
• “This is a lot of work.”
• “Can’t we just pretend everything is OK and get back to normal?”

These are all natural thoughts. And yet, resolving conflict doesn’t work like that. Conflicts can be just like a marathon to run or a mountain to climb… you not only have to train or prepare for the event, you have to do the work of the event itself. 

So how can you do tedious work now to be ready to be successful in conflict?

If the event is a tough conversation or resolving an issue with a partner or coworkers, then the training and preparing includes building your communication skills in “blue skies” times. It is every individual effort you put in, day to day, on improving your communication, that will pay off when a conflict arises. You can work on the following skills everyday:

• Listening
• Sharing your own intent
• Giving a good apology
• Admitting mistakes
• Raising concerns

If you are in a conflict right now, rely on what work you have done leading up to this moment and stay in it. Don’t try to take a short cut to the end, or skip the event all together. Be intentional and engaged – even if it seems tedious, annoying, or even boring. 

What is your Herman’s Gulch? What are you working toward? What are the tedious, sometimes boring steps you take to prepare yourself?

By Teresa Ralicki, Ombuds Lead at Pinterest, founder of Ombuds Institute, and Co-Editor of Ombuzz