I’ve seen time and again that conflict isn’t always about the issue itself, it’s about whether people believe you can deliver (competence) and whether they trust your intent (character).
Early in my legal career, as a young lawyer, I was so focused on proving my competence that I sometimes forgot to show warmth. Over time I realized that people needed both to really hear me.
Alison Fragale, in Likeable Badass, makes this point clearly: credibility rests on competence and character. Stephen M.R. Covey echoes the same in Leading at the Speed of Trust, we earn trust not only by delivering results but also by showing integrity and care.
Think about a teammate who’s brilliant (competent) but dismissive of others (low character). Or someone who’s kind and well-liked (character) but unreliable with deadlines (low competence). Neither feels fully credible.
The good news is we can signal both in everyday interactions. A few simple shifts:
- Signal competence: Come to meetings prepared with clear points, not apologies.
- Signal character: Ask one genuine question about someone else’s perspective before sharing your own.
- Do both at once: When giving feedback, be specific and empathetic: “This part of the report was strong, and here’s where I think it could be clearer.”
Conflict often flares when people doubt either our ability or our intent. By showing both strength and care, we build credibility, and make tough conversations a lot easier.
By: Elizabeth Hill, MWI DIrector of Communications & Development