Asking for help. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn how to do.
Born with a strong independent streak, I always found ways to do things myself. I learned to climb and stretch when I couldn’t reach things (I’m very short); I puzzled over things needlessly when asking for help was not only more efficient, but also more educational. And sometimes, I put myself at risk physically when I could have asked someone for help, help they easily and readily would have provided. As a small child, I was four or five, I decided it was a good idea to climb a dresser to get what was on top. My mother found me with the dresser on top of me. I was relatively unhurt, luckily, or maybe unluckily, because that experience didn’t deter me. Did I also mention my stubborn streak? But there came a time, and it comes for everyone, when I couldn’t do basic things for myself after some difficult surgeries. And then, I’m getting old and losing muscle mass. It happens to everyone eventually.
We start life needing help and we end life needing help. There will be a point between those spans that we will need to ask for help. Needing help is normal. Asking for help is brave. Then why is it so hard? There are lots of reasons and lots of circumstances that make it hard. Other people are busy. Asking for help makes us vulnerable and that’s a bit scary, or at least, uncomfortable. Will others think less of us? Will they use that moment of vulnerability against us? And sometimes, it’s just awkward. Maybe we’re asking about something we think we should know? Or that we’ve been shown before and still don’t get, so we feel a bit stupid and want to avoid confirmation that our worst fears about ourselves are valid? People say there are no stupid questions, but they don’t always act that way.
And then, there’s culture. I remember immigrating to the US from Canada, and I was confused by so many things. First, we arrived in Los Angeles. Palm trees? I hadn’t seen palm trees since leaving Egypt as a small child. What were they doing here? Where were the real trees? It was a mystery. I remember friends driving me through a forest—what they called a forest, and I innocently asked where the trees were if this was a forest. They were not amused. (A brush forest is apparently a thing. Who knew?) One of the most important differences though lay in what we expect of each other.
In the US, there is a strong emphasis on self-reliance, independence—the idea of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps suggests that your hands and fingers are all working as expected, and that you have boots in the first place. Other cultures with a stronger sense of interdependence, a different kind of social contract, a more defined safety net, do not find it unusual to ask for help, even welcome it. Some cultures treat giving help as a gift to the helper. Have you ever felt that way after helping someone? I remember tutoring some recent immigrants who didn’t speak any English and I didn’t speak Spanish. After some trial and error on my part, I saw the light in their eyes as they understood long division. I’m not sure if they were happy or relieved, but I felt a deep sense of contentment and satisfaction. It made me happy. I understand that desire to avoid someone else’s irritation when we ask for help, but now, I remember those instances when I’ve helped someone and it made a difference, and I remember those times when I ask for help and I hope that it will give someone else that gift.
No doubt, it is easier to help than to ask for help. Often, communities bond during a crisis, but what about the everyday, the less dramatic? It is easy to get overwhelmed by the details of our lives; we feel depleted just getting to things on our list. How do we find the resources to help someone else? First, in the workplace, giving some time to an employee can save a lot of time in the future. And if you develop a culture in which help is freely given, you not only save time, you increase morale. Imagine a confident, invested, generous workforce. What couldn’t you accomplish? Imagine the kind of energy and commitment you see in a crisis applied to our everyday lives? What couldn’t we accomplish?
Let’s talk about how to ask for help in ways that don’t make us feel uncomfortable, and just as important, how to create an environment in which asking for help is encouraged rather than tolerated. Let’s also talk about why such an environment is both more productive and more efficient. There are cultures in which letting someone help gives them a treasured opportunity to strengthen bonds. Let’s consider our pets or our children. They can’t always ask for help and when we see that they need help, our instinct is not to resent it but to give it quickly and freely, without judgement. What if we had confidence that when we need help, it would be provided without resentment or judgement?
In an ideal world, we wouldn’t feel rushed or overwhelmed and we would always be able and willing to give that help whenever and wherever needed, and that would also give us the permission to ask for help when we need it. I think we can all acknowledge that not only are we not in a perfect world, but that we are also not perfect, and so sometimes we do not respond perfectly. How do we manage that reality? We have to allow ourselves the same leeway we afford others. We won’t always be perfect, and that gives us the opportunity to practice apologies and humility.
Whether we’re in a position to give help or need help, one thing to remember when we feel overwhelmed, and I do know how trite this sounds: breathe. Before we either ask for help or give it, breathe. It gives us a minute to reset and consider how we want to go forward. It gives us the possibility of choosing rather than reacting. And then, be honest. If you can’t give help, say so clearly and kindly. If you can, say so clearly and kindly. If you need help, you get the idea.
Here are some suggestions:
- I know you’ve shown me this before, but I’m still not getting it. Would you mind showing me again?
- I can’t help you right now, but I’m, free in an hour.
- I can’t help you with that, but maybe X can?
- If this is something you’re still struggling with, I’m happy to go over it again.
People make themselves vulnerable when they ask for help. It’s so important to respect and honor that. Not just to be kind to others, but to give yourself a chance to experience the deep satisfaction that is a part of giving and receiving.
By: Nellie Haddad, Ph.D, Certified Organizational Ombuds Practitioner, Senior Associate Ombudsperson at US Patent and Trademark Office