I once worked with a visitor who had received some difficult feedback from their supervisor: you’re not coachable. The feedback left the visitor stunned. “Of course I’m coachable! People love me! Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life? I don’t know why I bother listening to that…”
There it is. “I don’t know why I bother listening…” Something in the visitor’s mindset was getting in the way of their ability to receive feedback with grace and incorporate it into their professional practice. Even if there was valid feedback being given to the visitor, they had already decided that the feedback itself was “ridiculous”. They were stuck, unable to see that any feedback might help them to attain future prosperity and success, if only they knew how to listen. They had chosen to be un-coachable.
Coachability is the ability to receive, reflect, and act on feedback with openness and resilience. Being coachable doesn’t mean accepting any and all criticism without discernment. It means staying open, grounded, and curious—even when feedback is hard to hear. And it’s a skill we can all strengthen. Here are five concrete actions that we can practice to bolster our coachability.
First, adopt a stance of humility. We don’t know what we don’t know. And we can’t always see our growth edges (which is why we have others around us to coach and support us). We have something to learn from all feedback, even if we don’t think the feedback is “good.” If you are unsure about a piece of feedback or need a concrete example, ask for it! Asking big, open-ended questions helps us gain greater clarity and remain open to possibilities. “Can you provide an example of…” or “How did my actions impact you?” are great examples. And remember, we all have a lot to learn, even if we’re seasoned experts.
Second, learn to manage your emotional responses. Let’s be honest – even the most skillfully delivered feedback can put us on the defensive. Defensiveness negatively impacts our ability to engage, listen, and understand. So, we have to tame the defensiveness monster! Take a deep breath. Pause before responding. Give yourself and the other person permission to process later, if needed. This might look like, “Hey, I really want to continue this conversation, and I’m noticing some stress around having the conversation right now. Can we circle back to this tomorrow?”
Third, practice listening to understand, rather than listening to react or respond. When we’re emotionally activated—or we think we have nothing to learn—it’s important to pause our internal response and listen deeply and consciously. Focus on really trying to understand what the other person is saying, not on how it makes you feel. The other thing that powerful listening gives us is the ability to be heard later on. If we listen to someone’s thoughts and feedback, they are more likely to listen to our thoughts.
Fourth, take time to reflect on the feedback. Give yourself the gift of space after receiving feedback to reflect upon what it means to you. This might involve figuring out what pieces of the feedback resonate with you and which ones don’t. Of the feedback that doesn’t resonate with you, ask yourself – what about this feedback do I find difficult. Again, is your resistance to the feedback coming from your emotional activation, or something more objective? Also, take time to reflect on what you might need to do differently or change about your current approach.
Finally, commit to demonstrable change. Once you’ve figured out what to do with the feedback, create an action plan to implement the feedback. Share your plan with the person who gave you the feedback. This communicates that you’ve heard the feedback and are willing to apply it to your practice. If there are pieces of the feedback that you do not want to incorporate, be prepared to share your rationale and perhaps even meet the person half-way.
Becoming more coachable will make monumental differences in the way we approach and utilize feedback. By adopting a growth mindset, we open up our innate ability to learn, grow, and adapt to our circumstances. Highly coachable people “are curious, embrace learning, and are generally savvy about what they will take on and what might not be right for them” (The Leadership Sphere, 2018). So, practice humility, manage your emotions, listen deeply, reflect on feedback, and commit to being the type of person who can be coached.
By: Matt Ricke, Ph.D., BCC