Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and shame, defines these concepts through grounded theory—building definitions based on real-life experiences.
- Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and exposure.
- Resilience is recognizing and understanding our emotions and the stories we tell ourselves—then having the courage to move through discomfort and emerge stronger.
This sounds pretty straight forward, but what happens when we’re actually in the thick of it?
My Story: Returning to Work After Maternity Leave
In February of last year, I had my son, Harry, and took 6.5 months of leave. This time at home was a gift—and surprisingly isolating. I had longed for motherhood, yet I had never felt lonelier.
When I returned to work, I was eager but anxious. My brain felt slower, my confidence shaken. Before I went on leave, I could read a room and guide conversations seamlessly. Now, I second-guessed everything.
To complicate things, a contractor, who had covered for me during leave, had been hired full-time. He fit in effortlessly. I should have been happy about this (and I was!), but a harsh inner voice took over:
“They don’t need me. I’m not as sharp as I was. He is doing my job better than I ever did.”
At home, I felt equally inadequate. I was no longer the person spending the most time with my child. I worried I was failing at both work and parenting.
When Resilience Becomes Overcompensation
Instead of truly processing these feelings, I defaulted to self-criticism and overcompensation. I threw myself into work, stretched myself thin at home, and tried to prove my worth in every direction. But despite all the effort, things weren’t getting better. I had in my head that resilience was about pushing through at all costs. But things weren’t improving. I was exhausted, making more mistakes, and feeling worse. I was burning out, rather than growing.
After some time, I realized that the resilience output is only as good as the vulnerability input. I was putting in effort, but it was driven by fear, not truth. And that kept me stuck.
Reframing the Narrative
I had to take a step back. The stories I was telling myself weren’t based on my true beliefs—they were rooted in societal pressures, self-doubt, and fear. I needed to ask:
- What do I actually believe?
- What is true for me?
Here’s what was, and is, true for me:
- There’s no perfect formula for being a good parent. Sharing responsibilities doesn’t make me less of a mother.
- At work, different strengths add value. My new coworker’s contributions don’t diminish mine.
- My fear of being replaced was overshadowing reality: I bring something unique, just as he does.
Letting Others In
This shift in mindset wasn’t just internal—it was reinforced by those around me. Being vulnerable with myself, and looking at the truth beyond the stories I was telling myself, I was able to be vulnerable with my partner. A small but powerful moment came when I finally planned a snowboarding day for myself after missing an entire season. The morning of, my family got sick, and guilt took over. I almost canceled.
But my partner encouraged me to go. As I drove to the mountain, my guilt story played on repeat—until I got a text:
“Enjoy this day! Taking care of yourself is good for all of us.”
That message snapped me out of my spiral. My self-judgment had no real foundation.
Your Turn: What Stories Are You Telling Yourself?
If you’re struggling with self-doubt or feeling stuck, check the stories you are telling yourself. Are they stories from your own doubt or from societal pressures? Try this reflection exercise:
- What are the stories you’re telling yourself?
- Where do these stories come from?
- What is actually true for you? What are your values and deeply held beliefs?
Our inner narratives shape how we move through conflict, at work and in life. By questioning them, we open the door to real resilience—not just the exhausting kind that keeps us stuck, but the kind that helps us rise.
By: Teresa Ralicki, Sr. Ombuds Lead at Pinterest, founder of Ombuds Institute, and Co-Editor of Ombuzz