Ever feel like a disagreement is stuck on repeat in your head? That’s rumination, and it can be a major roadblock to resolving conflict. We’ve all been there. You replay a conversation in your head, dissecting every word. You dwell on a past mistake, churning over “what ifs” until your brain feels fried. This repetitive overthinking, often with a negative slant, is called rumination.
My question is how does rumination factor in when trying to resolve conflicts?
Conflicts are inevitable in life, but rumination can make them linger and fester. Here’s how this mental loop trip can impede finding a solution:
Fixation on Blame: Ruminating over who’s to blame keeps the focus on the past instead of working towards a resolution. The more you place blame on others, the more difficult it is to see the situation differently even as new information presents itself.
Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on blame, try journaling about what outcome you desire from the situation. This can help guide a productive conversation.
Fueling Anger and Resentment: Rehashing negative details keeps anger simmering, making it harder to have a productive conversation.
Challenge Your Thinking: Don’t accept ruminative thoughts as facts. Ask yourself, “Is this thought helpful?” or “Is there another way to look at this?” Challenge negative thoughts with more balanced or positive ones.
Missed Opportunities for Empathy: Rumination hinders seeing things from the other person’s perspective, which is crucial for finding common ground. The more you ruminate, the more likely you build a victim villain narrative making them the bad guy and you the good guy—creating a sense of identity. Changing that narrative requires a shift to the way you see yourself and the way you see the other person. That can be tough for the ego.
See it Differently: Try “Charitable Assumptions” Reframing: Identify the negative assumptions you’re making about the other person’s motives. Instead, reframe those assumptions in a more charitable light. For example, instead of thinking “They don’t care about my feelings,” consider “Maybe they didn’t realize how their actions impacted me.”
By letting go of rumination and focusing on open communication, we can approach conflicts with a calmer mind and a greater chance of finding solutions that work for everyone involved. This shift allows us to move forward from the past and build stronger relationships.
By: Elizabeth Hill, Associate Director, University of Colorado Boulder Ombuds Office and Co-editor of Ombuzz